Attention dog owners: introducing the new Common Core National Canine Standards

Acknowledging that recent implementation of the Common Core State Standards is reshaping the landscape of public education in the United States, I, along with a secret group of politicians and “philanthropists,” a panel of experts, have designed and not tested The Common Core National (just being real) Canine Standards, using the CCSS as a model.

Mission Statement/Rationale: Given that many canines in the United States are lagging behind their global counterparts (i.e. the Finnish Spitz), The CCNCS provide a consistent, clear understanding of what all American canines, despite predetermined “breed” and “category” classifications are expected to learn–with the goal of ensuring said canines are college (i.e. service dog school) and career (i.e. herding, hunting, retrieving, sled-pulling, home-guarding,) ready.  Even canines in the visually-appealing but otherwise useless “Toy” group will benefit from learning the same skill sets that canines all over the country will be learning under the CCNCS.

 The Finnish Spitz

Photo and caption from Wikipedia

The Finnish Spitz is “best trained with a soft voice and touch. This breed will not respond well to harsh training methods.”                          Description and photo from Wikipedia

The Standards:

The following standards dictate what canines must learn in the various stages of their lives.  Many standards are accompanied by negative behaviors that will result in “Disqualification”—a label which simply indicates a canine is not yet proficient in the attached standard. We expect that up to 70% of canines will be “Disqualified” until handlers themselves become proficient in teaching the standards listed below.

General Behavior: With the ultimate goal of college and career readiness, all canines must have a firm foundation in standard general behavior from the time they are born to the time they reach an age of five (5) months. It is the expectation that all canines will display proficiency in the below areas by then. After the age of five months, canines will be considered adults.

CCNCS-GB.Puppy.1: Sit still for increasing amounts of time without wildly flinging self at humans’ legs, faces, etc.

CCNCS-GB.Puppy.2: Chew only items designated as canine toys; neglect all other items. (Disqualifications too numerous to list here.)

CCNCS-GB.Puppy.3: Eliminate only outside dwellings or on designated areas within dwellings (i.e. on “pee-pee pads,” on patches of false grass, in litter boxes—although the last option is insulting to canines and not generally recommended). (Disqualifications include, but are not limited to, eliminating on hardwood, tiled, or carpeted surfaces; in shoes; under furniture; in locations that might not otherwise be suspected, etc.)

CCNCS-GB.Puppy.4: Retreat to crate with prompting; remain in crate without making noise (i.e. whining, muttering, barking) until retrieved by handler.

CCNCS-GB.Puppy.5: Nap in appropriate locations (i.e. not in the middle of the floor, on furniture) and at appropriate times (i.e. not during the day if such behavior creates a nocturnal pattern).

CCNCS-GB.Puppy.6: Cohabitate peacefully with all residents of dwelling. (Disqualifications include harassing resident cats or older canines; preying upon small, caged rodents—i.e. hamsters or gerbils; engaging in conflicts or power struggles with humans other than the primary caretaker, etc.)

General Health and Wellness: Given that it is important for all canines to maintain a level of health and wellness conducive to proficiency, it is expected that all canines behave according to the following standards:

CCNCS-GHW.K9.1: Consume assigned food in a controlled and moderate (i.e. at appropriately-paced) fashion.  (Disqualifications include food-aggression, shunning own food in favor of human food, stalking humans at mealtime, spreading food on floor during mealtime, sulking when not fed from table, etc.)

CCNCS-GHW.K9.2: Attend veterinarian visits willingly and behave appropriately during examinations. (Disqualifications include hiding from handlers prior to appointment time, refusal to enter automobile, refusal to enter veterinary facilities, aggressive behavior toward veterinary professionals, excessive shivering, refusal to remain on examination table, locking legs when asked to move, insistence on sitting under furniture designated for humans, etc.)

CCNCS-GHWK.K9.3: Allow self to be bathed regularly, including allowing groomer to clean ears, trim nails, and brush teeth. (Disqualifications include refusal to present ears, nails, and teeth for maintenance; aggressive snapping at air from blowdryer, carrying on in holding crate or tub, failure to sit still for scissors or clippers portion of grooming, etc.)

College/Service Dog School Readiness: In order to be prepared for the rigors of higher education, all canines must demonstrate proficiency in the following areas:

CCNCS-CoR.K9.1: Focus exclusively on handler, while effectively ignoring external stimuli (i.e. squirrels, leaves, other canines, felines, tennis balls, sticks, rabbits).  (Disqualifications are too numerous to list in this space.)

CCNCS-CoR.K9.2: Remain calm and composed during severe weather (i.e. thunderstorms, tornadoes, blizzards) and noise imposed by humans (i.e. from fireworks, vacuums, electric mixers). (Disqualifications include shivering, salivating, retreating to corners, lap-dwelling, seeking refuge under blankets, etc.)

CCNCS-CoR.K9.3: Retrieve objects when instructed to do so, and relinquish said objects upon command. (Disqualifications include running in opposite direction with items, engaging in “tug-of-war”-type behaviors, growling/presenting teeth during struggle, etc.)

CCNCS-CoR.K9.4: Display appropriate leash-walking behavior, which includes but is not limited to sitting when handler stops, remaining on handler’s left side, and maintaining slack on leash. (Disqualifications include biting/pulling own leash, wrapping leash around handler, darting in front of handler with blatant disregard for his footing, etc.)

CCNCS-CoR.K9.5: Maintain appropriate level of control when approached by humans (Disqualifications include excessive elation, incontinence, retrieving and forcing toys upon human, displays of aggression, etc.)

Career Readiness: (Note: while there are many breeds of canine, most of which have been assigned “jobs” by humans, the expectation is that all dogs, regardless of breed or size, will be proficient in Career Readiness standards.)

CCNCS-CaR.K9.1: Pull sled with human passenger at least 20 feet.  (Disqualifications include refusing to comply, causing rein entanglement, causing sled to overturn, directing sled into vegetation or snowbanks, etc.)

CCNCS-CaR.K9.2: Defend dwelling from intruders (i.e. postal employees, solicitors seeking to provide home-improvement estimates, neighborhood children, bicycles, pizza delivery people, school buses, etc.). (Disqualifications include general apathy, sleeping through trespassers’ approaches, the absence of barking even when attentiveness is displayed, barking in an insufficiently-audible manner, etc.)

CCNCS-CaR.K9.2: Herd sheep, cattle, reindeer, groups of children, etc. into formations dictated by handlers.  (Disqualifications include limb-biting that draws blood, allowing members of flock to escape, directing members of flock to wrong locations, frightening members of flock to the point that they are unable to relocate, neglecting duties and using opportunity of open field for play, etc.)

CCNCS-CaR.K9.3: Track scents of animals (to assist hunters), track scents of humans (to assist search and rescue efforts), track scents of contraband (to assist law enforcement officials). (Disqualifications include tracking toys/sticks instead of assigned subject; identifying “incorrect” subjects or substances, as such behaviors can have legal ramifications, etc.)

A Final Note:

These standards have been developed by people who shall not be named experts, and they are not negotiable we invite handlers from all corners of the United States to participate in their implementation for the benefit of their canines and with no strings attached if they want a cut of federal funding.

Handlers who are able to bring their canines to proficient levels within a set period of time will be rewarded with handsome compensation packages.  Handlers whose canines are unable to reach proficiency within a set period of time will be put on improvement plans, following the implementation of which said handlers will either be reinstated to their full previous positions or dismissed and barred from handling canines in the future.

We are currently working to develop Common Core National Feline Standards, and you are not allowed to have any input if you are an expert in feline development and would like to contribute to the drafting process, please contact us by leaving a comment below stay home and wait for us to call you.

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12 Comments

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12 responses to “Attention dog owners: introducing the new Common Core National Canine Standards

  1. As a teacher who also does dog rescue, the irony is not lost on me. But that is the sad face of education in this country, right now. It seems the same logic was used to design the CCS we are to use to educate our children, who are as different as our pets are. Pretty sad but excellent comparison.

  2. MJ

    Abosultely ridiculous…Love it.

  3. Retired Teacher

    Will all this culminate in the BARCC test??

  4. Phyllis

    Ani…go glad your Mom has put me onto your blog! I’ve loved what I’ve read…and I look for to any future Feline Standards!! Our cat, Casey, could use some standards! Phyl

  5. Pingback: Attention dog owners: introducing the new Common Core National Canine Standards | lederr

  6. Daniel Walsh

    I have a two year old 4.4 lb. teacup Chihuahua with a big heart. How can I get a waiver from CCNCS-CaR.K9.1?
    Dan

  7. akgreenberg

    Absolutely Fantastic! Bottom line, my Mini-Dachshund Bailey runs the house!

  8. akgreenberg

    Funnier the second time! Bailey’s still going to summer school!

  9. Have I got a bone to pick with you. My dog and I passed Puppy Kindergarten years ago–but she’d never pass again with these new rigorous standards! How can I Opt her Out?

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